Im stealing the lime light for a little bit....

Another blogger mommy that I follow has been doing this and I have decided that I want to join. I am WAY behind so please bare with me, but please DO read. It may help you understand a little bit more about me and my grieving the loss of my daughter. 


30 Posts In 30 Days


Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
This would be the song In My Daughters Eyes. It makes me think of Lilly and what life would be like if she were here. There is a line in the song that says "In my daughters eyes I am a hero, I am strong and wise and I know no fear".... It gets me every time. I want my daughter to be proud of me even though she isn't here. There are times when I am strong, but then there are times that Im not. I always have fear though. 

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
I can't really say that there was one that stands out. I know I watched Game Day a lot after miscarrying Lilly and while I was still pregnant with Brian.


Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
There were a few shows that I watched. I watched A Baby Story, Birth Day, and 16 and Pregnant (the original season with Maci and Catelynn, ect). For some reason seeing other babies took my mind off of the pain I was feeling


Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
I like anything by Sarah Dessen. I can't say it's changed because I read her books in high school and still do.


Day 5 - your favorite quote.
If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't then it never was. 


Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
I can't think of 20, but talking to my dad and sister help, listening to music, crying, and hugging my bear or puppy

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.

This is one of the only pics I have sporting my "bump" while pregnant with both Brian and Lilly.

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
I have taken a TON, but here is a more recent one

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing 
it now.
Haha, um I don't have a picture of me from 10 years ago, but here is one from 7 years ago

I was going through a lot at the time, but I have to say that was one of the good years. Looking back at it now makes me sad because so much has changed since then.

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

Im still growing as a person and trying to deal and cope with the loss. It's hard and I try and hide all that from everyone so that I can be strong for them.

Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Weird, but I am OCD about using my turn signal. If I don't use it or if I ride with someone who doesn't use one it drives me nuts.


Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
I don't read a lot so Im not sure


Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
I don't read a lot so Im not sure


Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Um, I like the HUGE backyard 


Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me.


Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.

My angel wings I got in memory of Lilly

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
My past wedding was at the JP and just wasn't everything I wanted at all. My next one will be on the beach around sunset, I want to be wearing the pickup dress that I had planned on wearing when I got married last time. I want my terria and to feel like Cinderella. I want to walk bare foot down the beach with my dad giving me away. My colors will be snow white and cherry red. At my reception Im going to play My Little Girl in memory of my daddy and Im not sure what my dad and daughter dance song will be, but there will be one. 


Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Taking pictures


Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Singing- I feel like I have lost my passion to sing. Even my ex husband said something about it when we were in the car one day. I just don't have the passion like I did before


Day 21 - a recipe.

1 can (10 3/4 ounces) Campbell's® Condensed Cream of Mushroom Soup  (Regular or 98% Fat Free)

1 cup water  

3/4 cup uncooked regular long-grain white rice

1/4 teaspoon paprika

1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper

4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves  (about 1 pound)

• Stir the soup, water, rice, paprika and black pepper in a 2-quart shallow baking dish. Top with the chicken. Season with additional paprika and black pepper. Cover the baking dish.
• Bake at 375°F. for 45 minutes or until the chicken is cooked through and the rice is tender.

Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
CarleighMckenna.blogspot.com. Holly was in my due date group on Cafe Mom. She found out that her baby girl Carleigh had anencephaly and would not make it long after birth. Her unwavering strength and faith inspires me.


Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.



Day 24 - where you live
Fort Worth Texas


Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Woke up, did my hair and make up, went to get my nails done, went to pick Brian up, went and picked up Ashley, went to the football game, left the game, went and dropped Ashley off, came home, packed the car for the zoo tomorrow, got Brian some milk, put him to bed, got online.


Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Sunday- got Brian
Monday- carved pumpkins
Tuesday- dyed my hair
Wednesday-dropped Brian off and went to class
Thursday- hung out with my sister
Friday- got my nails done, got Brian, went to the game




Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
I have bad flashbacks and panic attacks about things. 


Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Wallet, lip stick, insurance card, keys, change, reciepts, nail polish, diapers and wipes


Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
I hope to graduate school, get a good high paying job, buy my own house and car, and find love


Day 30 - a dream for the future 
to be truly happy with everything

I can't believe it's been 18 months!

Almost 18 months ago today I was having my sweet baby boy. As a matter of fact this exact day 18 months ago was my due date! Of course my stubborn little boy just HAD to keep mommy and daddy waiting, but you know what they say, good things are worth the wait. He truly was worth every second I had to wait and every ounce of pain I had to go through. Wow! And to see how much he has grown, from being my little victory dancer (what I called him when we very first saw him at 9 weeks) to being my almost big boy, amazes me. I never imagined in a million years that he would grow that quick! After seeing him grow as quick as he did I tell every new mom I encounter now to cherish the baby days because soon enough you will be chasing them around playing tag. This month has been very hectic to say the least. I feel so sad that my little boy is growing up, but happy too. We went and had Brian's 18 month pictures done on the 5th and they turned out AWESOME! 

See how much he's grown just since 6 months!!!

We had Brian's follow up dentist appointment on the 8th as well. It didn't go as well as I'd hoped and I'm honestly regretting EVER allowing them to preform the surgery back in May. They are now saying that his teeth are chipping more and they need root canals and caps on them. I don't want to allow them do this because I really don't think it's needed. In my honest opinion I feel like the dentist is just trying to make money and he's using my son and God only knows who else's children to make it. We will for sure be getting second and this time a third opinion this time around as well as sitting down and having a very serious conversation about all this. I really don't want to have to go through this again and I have already said that I wouldn't put Brian back under. I feel like the risks outweigh the benefits. He has a cardiologist appointment on November 12th (a follow up from last year) and they have also mentioned if they couldn't get a good shot of his heart with an ultrasound putting him under as well. I feel like climbing the highest mountain and screaming as loud as I can to leave my child alone! The cardiologist said last time that all that was wrong was circulation and that he was fine. They are now saying that he may have a hole in his heart. They said that when I was pregnant with him and under further looking with the high risk OB, we found that there wasn't a hole. If there wasn't one there before why would there be one now? I just don't get it! And too people that I have talked to that have had holes in their hearts have said you can not only hear it, but feel it as well. His doctor, dad and I haven't heard or felt anything so it's really making me mad that they are treating my son like he is a guinea pig, or so it seems! I guess we will see what they say and I will update on that as soon as I know something. On to something more happy! I believe on the 22nd Travis and I are going to take Brian to Boo at the Zoo! I'm excited because I didn't get to take him last year and the last time I went I was like 6. I can't wait and I'm sure we will have a blast! Just a quick update on how I'm doing in school... I ended up dropping a class because the work load was just too much. I was taking 4 classes, taking care of Brian Sunday through Wednesday, trying to keep the house clean, take care of my aunt and grandma and basically preform the work of a stay at home mom and it had me stressed beyond belief. I felt like a horrible mom because I wasn't spending enough time with Brian (I have class everyday I have him) and it was really dragging me down and depressing me. I went and met with the counselor as well as my course advisor and we have decided that from now on I can take 2 full semester classes and 2 mini-mesters(one the first 8 weeks and one the second 8 weeks). I am passing all of my classes I'm taking now and hopefully will stay that way the rest of the semester. I started off strong now I just have to finish out with a bang so to say.