Im stealing the lime light for a little bit....

Another blogger mommy that I follow has been doing this and I have decided that I want to join. I am WAY behind so please bare with me, but please DO read. It may help you understand a little bit more about me and my grieving the loss of my daughter. 


30 Posts In 30 Days


Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
This would be the song In My Daughters Eyes. It makes me think of Lilly and what life would be like if she were here. There is a line in the song that says "In my daughters eyes I am a hero, I am strong and wise and I know no fear".... It gets me every time. I want my daughter to be proud of me even though she isn't here. There are times when I am strong, but then there are times that Im not. I always have fear though. 

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
I can't really say that there was one that stands out. I know I watched Game Day a lot after miscarrying Lilly and while I was still pregnant with Brian.


Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
There were a few shows that I watched. I watched A Baby Story, Birth Day, and 16 and Pregnant (the original season with Maci and Catelynn, ect). For some reason seeing other babies took my mind off of the pain I was feeling


Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
I like anything by Sarah Dessen. I can't say it's changed because I read her books in high school and still do.


Day 5 - your favorite quote.
If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't then it never was. 


Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
I can't think of 20, but talking to my dad and sister help, listening to music, crying, and hugging my bear or puppy

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.

This is one of the only pics I have sporting my "bump" while pregnant with both Brian and Lilly.

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
I have taken a TON, but here is a more recent one

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing 
it now.
Haha, um I don't have a picture of me from 10 years ago, but here is one from 7 years ago

I was going through a lot at the time, but I have to say that was one of the good years. Looking back at it now makes me sad because so much has changed since then.

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

Im still growing as a person and trying to deal and cope with the loss. It's hard and I try and hide all that from everyone so that I can be strong for them.

Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Weird, but I am OCD about using my turn signal. If I don't use it or if I ride with someone who doesn't use one it drives me nuts.


Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
I don't read a lot so Im not sure


Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
I don't read a lot so Im not sure


Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Um, I like the HUGE backyard 


Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me.


Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.

My angel wings I got in memory of Lilly

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
My past wedding was at the JP and just wasn't everything I wanted at all. My next one will be on the beach around sunset, I want to be wearing the pickup dress that I had planned on wearing when I got married last time. I want my terria and to feel like Cinderella. I want to walk bare foot down the beach with my dad giving me away. My colors will be snow white and cherry red. At my reception Im going to play My Little Girl in memory of my daddy and Im not sure what my dad and daughter dance song will be, but there will be one. 


Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Taking pictures


Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Singing- I feel like I have lost my passion to sing. Even my ex husband said something about it when we were in the car one day. I just don't have the passion like I did before


Day 21 - a recipe.

1 can (10 3/4 ounces) Campbell's® Condensed Cream of Mushroom Soup  (Regular or 98% Fat Free)

1 cup water  

3/4 cup uncooked regular long-grain white rice

1/4 teaspoon paprika

1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper

4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves  (about 1 pound)

• Stir the soup, water, rice, paprika and black pepper in a 2-quart shallow baking dish. Top with the chicken. Season with additional paprika and black pepper. Cover the baking dish.
• Bake at 375°F. for 45 minutes or until the chicken is cooked through and the rice is tender.

Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
CarleighMckenna.blogspot.com. Holly was in my due date group on Cafe Mom. She found out that her baby girl Carleigh had anencephaly and would not make it long after birth. Her unwavering strength and faith inspires me.


Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.



Day 24 - where you live
Fort Worth Texas


Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Woke up, did my hair and make up, went to get my nails done, went to pick Brian up, went and picked up Ashley, went to the football game, left the game, went and dropped Ashley off, came home, packed the car for the zoo tomorrow, got Brian some milk, put him to bed, got online.


Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Sunday- got Brian
Monday- carved pumpkins
Tuesday- dyed my hair
Wednesday-dropped Brian off and went to class
Thursday- hung out with my sister
Friday- got my nails done, got Brian, went to the game




Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
I have bad flashbacks and panic attacks about things. 


Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Wallet, lip stick, insurance card, keys, change, reciepts, nail polish, diapers and wipes


Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
I hope to graduate school, get a good high paying job, buy my own house and car, and find love


Day 30 - a dream for the future 
to be truly happy with everything

I can't believe it's been 18 months!

Almost 18 months ago today I was having my sweet baby boy. As a matter of fact this exact day 18 months ago was my due date! Of course my stubborn little boy just HAD to keep mommy and daddy waiting, but you know what they say, good things are worth the wait. He truly was worth every second I had to wait and every ounce of pain I had to go through. Wow! And to see how much he has grown, from being my little victory dancer (what I called him when we very first saw him at 9 weeks) to being my almost big boy, amazes me. I never imagined in a million years that he would grow that quick! After seeing him grow as quick as he did I tell every new mom I encounter now to cherish the baby days because soon enough you will be chasing them around playing tag. This month has been very hectic to say the least. I feel so sad that my little boy is growing up, but happy too. We went and had Brian's 18 month pictures done on the 5th and they turned out AWESOME! 

See how much he's grown just since 6 months!!!

We had Brian's follow up dentist appointment on the 8th as well. It didn't go as well as I'd hoped and I'm honestly regretting EVER allowing them to preform the surgery back in May. They are now saying that his teeth are chipping more and they need root canals and caps on them. I don't want to allow them do this because I really don't think it's needed. In my honest opinion I feel like the dentist is just trying to make money and he's using my son and God only knows who else's children to make it. We will for sure be getting second and this time a third opinion this time around as well as sitting down and having a very serious conversation about all this. I really don't want to have to go through this again and I have already said that I wouldn't put Brian back under. I feel like the risks outweigh the benefits. He has a cardiologist appointment on November 12th (a follow up from last year) and they have also mentioned if they couldn't get a good shot of his heart with an ultrasound putting him under as well. I feel like climbing the highest mountain and screaming as loud as I can to leave my child alone! The cardiologist said last time that all that was wrong was circulation and that he was fine. They are now saying that he may have a hole in his heart. They said that when I was pregnant with him and under further looking with the high risk OB, we found that there wasn't a hole. If there wasn't one there before why would there be one now? I just don't get it! And too people that I have talked to that have had holes in their hearts have said you can not only hear it, but feel it as well. His doctor, dad and I haven't heard or felt anything so it's really making me mad that they are treating my son like he is a guinea pig, or so it seems! I guess we will see what they say and I will update on that as soon as I know something. On to something more happy! I believe on the 22nd Travis and I are going to take Brian to Boo at the Zoo! I'm excited because I didn't get to take him last year and the last time I went I was like 6. I can't wait and I'm sure we will have a blast! Just a quick update on how I'm doing in school... I ended up dropping a class because the work load was just too much. I was taking 4 classes, taking care of Brian Sunday through Wednesday, trying to keep the house clean, take care of my aunt and grandma and basically preform the work of a stay at home mom and it had me stressed beyond belief. I felt like a horrible mom because I wasn't spending enough time with Brian (I have class everyday I have him) and it was really dragging me down and depressing me. I went and met with the counselor as well as my course advisor and we have decided that from now on I can take 2 full semester classes and 2 mini-mesters(one the first 8 weeks and one the second 8 weeks). I am passing all of my classes I'm taking now and hopefully will stay that way the rest of the semester. I started off strong now I just have to finish out with a bang so to say. 

Alphabet Soup

I have been being proactive and working with Brian on his ABC's and colors. He has been doing EXCELLENT! I swear my child amazes me every single day! I have an application on my phone that is from the Five Pumpkins! I highly recommend their applications because they are not only adorable but highly effective. I bought regular flash cards to help Brian learn his ABC's and colors, but they are a joke. Brian loves having my phone so when I saw the application I thought I would give it a try. I won't lie, I was very skeptical of it even being effective or teaching him anything. Within the first week of using the application Brian knew A, B, and C! He could not only say them, but can read them from the screen!!! Not even 2 weeks in Brian knows A, B, C, D, E, G, and H! We are still having problems with F, but he really can't pronounce anything that starts with F. Fishy is ishy, Fan is an, so I know I just need to work extra hard with him on F. We've been working on colors as well and so far he knows Red and Purple! I haven't had a chance to work with him yet on his shapes or numbers, but as effective as the ABC's and Colors applications are I'm sure he'll know numbers and shapes quick! If you would like to check out the applications for your self visit http://m.fivepumpkins.com/#top

The BIG 17.... Months that is!

This month has been full of FUN! Brian is growing right before my eyes! He's turning into a little man and it makes me bubble over with joy! We have had a blast this month! We went to Brian's first football game (GO REBELS!!!), we went to the Dallas Zoo with Aunt Brandy, Uncle Brian, and cousin Orlaith, We checked out some day cares for Brian since I'm in school full time, and we had a mommy and son day (which was a blast I have to say)! Brian's Halloween costume is bought and I have decided to co-coordinate my costume with his. 

This is going to be a change for me so lets pray it looks good. Brian is going as a baby vampire and Im going as a mommy vampire. I went today and bought my corset and I will be dying my hair mid October. It's going to be black. Snuggle buddy is going to be dressing up with us! Brian and I went to Build-A-Bear Workshop and found this adorable costume for him to wear and it matches Brian's as far as colors and theme goes! 

On September 3rd I took Brian to his first football game! He had a blast watching the game and just being goofy! I can't wait to be going to HIS football games and I know it won't be long until he's playing. We also went to the zoo with Brandy, Brian, and Orlaith the beginning of the month! Brian had a blast while we were there, but got real cranky (he didn't get enough sleep). We had a blast though! A few days later Brian was throwing tantrums about everything so I decided it was time to do a Mommy and Son day. We hadn't done one in a while so it was time anyways. We didn't do anything extravagant. We went to Babies "R" Us and traded in our umbrella stroller (the seams were busting) and bought a new better stroller that we both like! Brian got a hat while we were there and he loves that thing! I couldn't ever get him to wear a hat, but he loves this one! It's black with the skull and cross bone on the front. It's Amy Coe, whom I LOVE! Her stuff is just  so adorable! After Babies "R" Us we went to Kid to Kid and looked around. I hadn't ever been in the one off of Bryant Irving Rd and I really didn't like that one. They didn't have any clothes that would fit Brian this fall. They had an abundance of baby clothes and clothing for older kids, but no 18 month to 2T stuff. I think we are just going to stick to the Kid to Kid's in Lake Worth and Watauga as they have the best selection. After leaving there I wanted to go to the mall and look around. We put our new stroller together in the parking lot and I have to say it was VERY easy to assemble which was a plus! I put him in and away we went. We went into Bath and Body Works and smelled the candles! That's the new thing I have taught him to do! If you tell him to smell something he gets close to it and will smell it! It's the cutest thing ever! We left Bath and Body Works and went to Build A Bear. I was going to let him make his own bear, but he didn't want to. We looked around and that's when I saw Snuggle buddy's costume! We bought it and left there. The mall has a small train right now and Brian was amazed by it! We rode the train and he loved it! After getting off the train I let him ride the little kiddie rides. I can't think of what they are called, but it's like the cars that go back and forth, like what they have at the stores. Anyways I had to pry him off when I was out of change! He would still be sitting there driving if I'd let him! He really drove the thing too! I never thought he would pay that much attention to me driving in the car, but I guess he does! He moved the steering wheel, honked the horn and laughed! After getting him off the car we rode the carousel and then did the photo booth! After that it was time to go home. Brian fell asleep in the car and slept about an hour. We ate dinner and watched Car's together then it was bed time. We had so much fun that day! Brian had also learned some new words so I wanted to add to the list that is already going. We can now add (and please excuse me if some are already on the list)

Milk

Apple

Moon

Nugget

Bite

Elmo

SpongeBob

Bird

Pee-pee

Diaper

Easy

Shh

Nasty

Us on the train!

Peace, Love, and Crackers!

Spreading the love man!

Daddy messing with Brian while he was sleeping

The rainbow that I saw while at the mall. It made me think of Lilly!

An awesome giveaway!!!

I am so lucky I decided to log on today! I clicked on the link I have saved to go to the Minnesota Mama's Must Haves blog and found this awesome giveaway! It is for an all natural wooden walker that converts into a scooter for ages 12 to 36 months and then into a push cart for ages 3 and up! I know Brian would really get some use out of it because he pushes EVERYTHING around! You can click HERE to enter the giveaway for yourself!


I also came across another great giveaway hosted by Minnesota Mama's Must Haves and it is the Anytime Costumes giveaway! With Halloween just around the corner this would be an awesome time to win a costume of my choice up to $50 value! Click HERE to enter this giveaway for yourself!

Please Pray

This post isn't for myself or Brian, but a friend of mine. I went to high school with her and she just had a little girl a week ago. She posted earlier on Facebook that they had been admitted to the hospital because Ember was turning blue/purple around her nose and mouth and would stop breathing at times. She just updated her page and they have ran blood work, have an IV and antibiotics going, she has been cathed, chest x-rays, and a spinal tap. My friend is having a hard time with everything. You have to remember Ember is only a week old. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. I really hope they figure out what is wrong with her and get her better soon

Just a quickie (:

I just have a quick post. I have to keep it short because I really need to go to sleep and I have class tomorrow afternoon! YAY!!! So I got my angel wings today and I have to say I LOVE them! They are black and pink and the detail is done in white. They are more than I could have ever dreamed about!

Ok and I have to tell you about a really cool giveaway that will be going on over at Minnesota Mama's Must Haves. They are going to be giving away all sorts of things including an organic crib mattress, a bassinet, a Keekaroo high chair, and tons of other things! The giveaways start on September 1st and last all month long so join in on the fun and enter to win some amazing items!